Please read the following short blog by one of my favorite bloggers, Heather Hunter aka “This Fish”:
I’ve never considered the loss, or what grief counselors would probably call “anticipatory grief” as it pertains to addiction. It’s an incredibly heavy thing to think about. We don’t often talk about losing someone who might still be alive and walking the planet. I think those who lose a friend or loved one to addiction are at such high risk – because just when they might start to heal, just when life might start to feel normal again, that person can walk back in and open up the wounds.
Heather’s poetic words, “a dress rehearsal for mourning” are haunting me. This is not the attempt at joy and a celebration of life that you might get from someone with a terminal diagnosis who is preparing in a healthy way with friends and family for death. To me, this is a lonely, hopeless statement; one that makes me feel empty. I can’t imagine what it is like to watch someone you love hurt himself and not have the ability to stop, even knowing that this may kill him. And what if the addiction doesn’t kill this person? What if it just takes away everything that was vital: family, friends, career, health, compassion, talent and more? How in the world do you even try to cope with losing what is essential about a human you care about knowing that a shell of a human is walking around with that person’s identity?
I am struggling with this concept. Do any of you, our readers have experience with this? Are the losses from addiction similar to death or divorce, or is this something unique unto itself?
Yes. I have a family member losing the battle to speed and heroin. I find myself preparing for his death. Even more so lately as he has already lost completely everything. Kids, wife, job, home, and everything else. He is truly alone. Homeless. And hopeless. With many felonies and charges.
It is a unique experience I would imagine. It’s really a combination of wanting to step in, knowing you shouldnt, and feeling guilty.
I try to prep myself on how to handle it when he passes. I catch myself doing this and it is in a voice as if he has already passed away. It is a horrible feeling to know that you think of your own loved one this way. A lot of guilt is involved. Every goodbye may be the last, and you want to be hopeful, but when someone doesn’t want to help themselves… It is hard to maintain a vision of a positive future.
Where does he go when he has nowhere left to fall? Rock bottom has been reached.